He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
