I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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