Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
