I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
