How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My ass is underappreciated
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
