none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
