i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
