ya dads aren't the best wingmen
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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