I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
