I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
