Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
