Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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