Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
