Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
