he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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