it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
