Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
