Are we in a gay sports bar?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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