Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
