My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
