come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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