Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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