Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
