I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
