I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
