Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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