i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
