so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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