i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
