I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
my poor anus
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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