And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
