thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
