If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
