Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
