There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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