A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
