"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize