Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
