Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
