i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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