I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There's always time for handjobs
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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