Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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