Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
