My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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