im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
