you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
