Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
