He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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