When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
