Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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