I am puke
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
