i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
