I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
