I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
