good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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