he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
